Today I am feeling like a lot of things. They seem to be all jammed packed inside me and I don't know what to do with them.
For one I'm tired - from working, from little sleep, from my neck and back hurting, from different emotional wounds from the past that have been healing and God is working in me through.
I'm also very grateful - for a job for me and two jobs for Joel, for God's provision, for God's master plan and the fact than He has one as well as that He is in control of it, that he can work all things for the good of those who love Him, that he uses His enemies foul purposes for good because he's just that GOOD.
I'm grateful for God's works in myself and others, for Joel, for new friends, for having all the basic necessities as well as all those extras that God allows for us in life because He does intend for life to be enjoyable (albeit not selfishly indulgent).
I am weary of not knowing where I am going, but becoming more at peace with the idea that I don't need to know - perhaps that it's even better if I don't know. I am growing more and more at ease with the idea that wherever God wants me to go, I will get there so long as I keep chasing after Him. In fact, it's better to chase after Him than to chase after what He might want me to do - because by chasing after Him I will have my priorities truly in line and when that happens it seems God's children just fall across His purposes and all becomes clear in due time (that whole Mary thing verses Martha thing - better to Love God than to Serve God because serving can be done out of duty and without love, but Love often leads to selfless serving which pleases God and is therefore Blessed).
I think I am also feeling somethings that aren't good - I don't know what they are, but since I can tell they aren't good and from God, I am thinking I am under attack. I just heard a good sermon at church and so on the heels of good news comes the accuser to steal, kill, and destroy. Maybe that's it. But either way, I feel like it's making all my internal thoughts off balance as I am not on my own able to put off His attacks.
Ahh, that's another thing to be grateful for - that God is my shield and my fortress, my strength and my ever present help in times of need. I am covered over by His wings and as I am set free by him I can run and not grow weary and fly like an eagles wings. Maybe something that's going on is that he's trying to distract me from the truth - I heard a message about being freed from past hurts and pains and I think I was accepting the lie that I haven't already let go of those - I wasn't dwelling on heavenly things - things of life. But that truth I wrote is reviving and good news to me. I have been set free and my chains are gone. I am a child of God and He lives in me and He makes me and my relationships (in general) whole and He loves me. That is good news.
I am going to bed now - although it is only just 10 it feels like it's 1am - I am that tired.
Well good night. And as I come to mind, pray for me to be filled with peace, God's presence, the Holy Spirit, wisdom and discernment.
Shalom - May you be filled with the peace and presence of the Almighty.
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