Draining

Some days I look at my life and I just feel like everything is so draining. There is more that sucks the life out of me than that which gives me life.

Now, I’m sure that part of it is my perspective and that I am not getting filled with God enough. Truly no job is really going to fill me up with a full sense of purpose because my purpose does not end and begin with my job, but… some days I just find myself trudging through life more weary than others.

Is this because I lack perseverance to just keep going? Is it that I find myself so overwhelmed by things of this world that I have a hard time seeing round them. Is it just that my flesh gets in the way of my efforts to pursue what God calls me to?

Some days, I am not even sure that God has called me to. Some days I find myself sad as I think that where I am now is what I will be doing for the rest of my life.

On days like these, I feel like I want to retreat from everything around me. I want to hide and escape from all that I have to do. All the little things – some of which I have create for myself to do – which just take time and energy and still seem to not go away. It is on these days where I am so tempted to escape from my life into the lives of my books or the oblivion of my sleep. It is on these days that I just want to escape.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not really depressed or anything. I don’t have self-mutilating thoughts nor do I want to end my life – in this mood those things are as absurd as they would be in my brightest moments. It’s just harder to want to do what I should do. It’s just that I feel like I am seeking something far greater than myself (my spirit’s longing perhaps?), and something far easier to accomplish or more satisfying to fight through (my fleshiness maybe?). Who knows.

All I know is that I am at school – where I don’t wish to be, lesson planning and grading papers endlessly. (I know that rhymes – it was completely unintentional though.)I know that God has purposes for me here, but they are hard to see and even harder to accomplish. I know that I get in my own way of what I’m called to do here just as much and likely more often than when I am successful in fulfilling God’s purpose for me. I yearn for a purpose that fits me rather than a purpose that I must learn to fit into to succeed. Lord, oh, Lord, when will you move me from this dreary Babylon to my home where I might be fruitful and content with what I have be set out to do.