Yesterday morning so many things were flowing through my mind. Many were about the future.
One of the things that I keep thinking about is what "job" would be best for me. As I have been teaching this year, I feel like I have come to a greater understanding of myself. There is still a chance that my new understandings are not entirely clear sighted, and it is guaranteed that I don't understand everything, but what I have learned has lead me to question whether or not I am best suited to being and elementary school teacher or even middle school.
I now feel confident in saying that if I am not meant to be an elementary or middle school teacher, it is not because I am not smart enough nor because I can't "do" the work. It would entirely be because my personality is not suited to the classroom and the pressure and demand made by parents, students, school administration and the government. I don't think that it is a matter of can I or can't I be a teacher. I am beginning to see that it is more a matter of should I – is this the best place that God has for me, the place that I can do my work most effectively. Right now I have the sure answer of "I don't know." Real definitive isn't it? J
You see there are so many aspects of a teaching job and some of them I am more successful at than others. For example, when it comes to the actual teaching and the explanation of material/curriculum, I don't have too many problems. I can always learn more and get better of course, but it is something that I like to do and I can do it. When it comes to understanding the material I am suppose to teach and being able to do it myself – again, I don't have a problem. I was always a good student and I usually don't have trouble learning and retaining information.
The aspect of myself that I wonder whether or not they are suited to teaching though is my personality and therefore the things that I do instinctually when I react. As I have grown to see my inherent flaws (which of course can be polished smooth over time), I have noticed that I don't have the proper patience and that perhaps my temperament is not suited to this particular interaction with young children. This is not to say that I hate children nor that I can't be patient with children; I of course can be and I love children. It's more that I find myself struggling when my students don't cooperate with me and therefore keep me from doing the other parts of my job that I also have to do to be a teach. When they talk and I can't talk or explain what they need to learn, I am frustrated. When they interrupt (which they do often) or provide excuses or simply do stupid things like throwing stuff across the classroom, I am so frustrated and almost shocked at their behavior because it's so illogical to me that they would think those things to be good ideas. When I look back and can step away from the situation, I can see better ways to deal with my students when they aren't perfect, but in the moment I get so frustrated that I can't do it. It's not natural for me – not when they fight my ability to teach them with their very natures. And it's not their fault – they don't mean to be annoying or frustrating. They are just kids who haven't learned to control themselves. I mean I can't even control myself and how can I expect them to, but their actions just frustrate me and drain the joy out of being able to teach. It's almost like I wish I could teach without the kids there because it would be so much easier.
I think this is partly why I've always like tutoring students better because I can control behavior so much more easily with only a few kids. I have enough control that I can relax and be a little silly, because I can pull it all back together and continue teaching whenever I want to.
This may come as a surprise to you (probably not though), but I can be a controlling person and irrationally so. It's a flaw and one I'm sure God's working on. But there is a certain extent to which I am beginning to think that not all flaws are there by accident. In many situations, a flaw can become a strength and can actually be used to further a purpose. (This is all in moderation of course.)
As I've continued to wrestle with my quarter-life crisis (not old enough for a mid-life crisis *sigh*), I have had many other ideas run through my mind as far as what I would like to do. I've toyed with becoming a web designer – holds some interest, but when it actually comes to code and all, not so much. I've entertained going into the medical profession – a nurse, doctor, anesthesiologist/nurse anesthetist; but there's that whole horrible hours, patients that are about as brilliant as my most frustrating students and parents in school, malpractice insurance, people's inability to care for themselves.
The only other idea that has captured any of my attention and if I'm honest the most of my attention is to become a college professor of English. At first it was just this vague idea about being a college professor – an attempt to be a teacher of an age group that is expected to be self-sufficient and responsible. I didn't have an idea regarding which subject I would teach. In fact that dilemma of choosing a subject was exactly what drew me toward teaching elementary school because I didn't have to pick just one. I had all four. I understand and like math, English, some social studies and some science. If I had to pick one, I at least know that I would never choose science or social studies because it doesn't hold enough of my interest and provides just as much frustration or boredom as interest. But math verse English was a decision that I didn't know quite what to do with. I've always been good at both, but I've liked teaching math to elementary schools more than English primarily because our English curriculum stinks. This year, as a teacher at a charter school, I've been fortunate enough not to be required to use the anthology and have been able to actually read novels with my students and it's so much better. Therefore, I've been leaning toward teaching English because it is a personal love of mine outside of teaching and I think I would enjoy discussing in a college setting literature with the purpose of teaching young adult minds how to think and be open to the possibilities in the written word. I wouldn't even mind teaching those 100 level classes where all that students do is read, talk about what they've read and then write papers about it. That to me, strange as it is, holds interest and excitement for me. And then to specialize in children's literature (the MA that I would pursue if I were to teach English), I could read and write and teach and talk about something that clearly is an obsession of mine that anyone walking around in my house would notice.
Today in the midst of writing this rambling blog post, I was looking at my options for an MA in Children's Literature. They are as follows: Hollins University in Roanoke, VA, Simmons College in Boston, MA, Illinois State University in Illinois, and San Diego State University in San Diego University. Right now the first two have most of my interest. The first only offers a summer semester program for this particular MA and it takes 3 to 5 summers to complete the program. At Simmons, it is a 2-year program or a 3 year program if I were to do the dual MA with Children's lit and English which might or might not be better if I were to become a professor. And the Lord only knows which of these options would be viable because they depend incredibly on where Joel would get a job because I can't very well work full-time and go to school. We'll have to see what happens. For now, I guess I just keep doing what I'm doing and wait for God to give a gentle push in any particular direction or an all-out flashing neon sign that says "THIS WAY!" Somehow I think the former is more likely.
Well I'm off to do something else. Maybe I'll muse and dream over the options a little more today. J
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