Some days I find myself with blurry vision or at least I think that's is close to what is going on. Do you remember the story of the blind man who Christ heal? I know there are several of these stories, but the one I am thinking of is the only instance where the man was not healed at Jesus' first words or "attempt." You see this poor man couldn't see anything. Then Christ prayed for him and he could see... but all the people looked like trees. He couldn't see clearly. Jesus then put his hand over the man's eyes again and when he took it away, the man could see perfectly.
Well today, I feel like I might be like that man. I don't know how things are suppose to look, because when it comes to my future and what I am suppose to do, truly I am blind. I cannot see what will happen. But I feel like I should at least be able to see the road I am walking on and have an idea of where I am going. And I don't know what that road is suppose to look like.
Sometimes I see very near to myself or at least my present time and I think of the things I need to do today: love my husband well, clean the house and be a good steward of what I have been given, love on those around me, etc.
Sometimes I see only very far into the future, almost like I am staring far into the distance at the horizon and I can't see anything. Imagine a sailor in the crows nest on the ships tallest mask. He looks and looks seeking land. Sometimes he sees clouds and he thinks, "Is that it? Is that where we want to go? Should we head toward that or is it a cloud, a mirage, an false sign? Or if it is land, is it a safe land, is it the destination that my captain is seeking for us?" You see this sailor he knows land is coming and he is looking and desiring to see it for confirmation of the hope he has held close to his heart. But he is unsure of his sight, unsure of what he is seeing or seeking for that matter other than that he will find whatever it is, but still he searches. Some days I feel like this.
Sometimes I feel I am looking at the middle ground the near future. What will I be doing for the next few months or year? Sometimes even this is impossible.
How do I make my vision like his? How to I look at my life like he does? Or if that's not possible in this body I live in, how do I look at my life the way he wants me to?
I know that it is good to see today as the opportunity that it is. It is good to see what I can and should do today to live my life for Christ in the fullest way possible.
But God has made within me the desire or need to plan ahead. I was never one to just keep running without an end in sight. Maybe that's why I liked sprinting better than cross-country running - I could see the finish line. If this is not how I am suppose to be, then Father take this from me. If you put this goal-sighting desire within me for a purpose and it's not some bad habit I picked up in this world, then help me to see clearly. Help me to have patience to wait until I round the bend and can see that finish line down that long stretch. But also give me markers along the way - let me know that I am going toward my destination.
I wish I knew how to keep my perspective balanced so I would be drawn forward by my goal and focused in the moment.
For now, I suppose I will just have to continue to pray that His hand covers my eyes again, and when he takes it away that I will be able to see clearly.
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