Security

Have you ever thought about how important your security is to you? How much it means to you to feel safe? To what lengths are you willing to go to be secure? Is the security you are building around yourself real or an illusion?
Over the past few months, I've had various events happen that have caused me to feel insecure in some way, shape or form. Perhaps it's the security that flew out my driver-side window when I got lost in Orlando, or perhaps it was feeling as though I won't be able to meet bills for the month, or perhaps it was something a stranger or someone I know did that caused me to feel insecure about our "relationship (regardless or how deep or important that relationship might be - we could even be talking about a creepy person you saw that made an uncomfortable comment).

As I've pondered how these events have made me feel, I have also begun to wonder about the spiritual significance of safety.
I remember one time in particular. Joel was already in Florida. I was in Michigan looking for a job, packing, and working at a job I saw no future in. One day, I was feeling my lack of clarity regarding the future very strongly. I began to wonder, "I don't feel like this all the time, but is there really any difference between my life when I feel secure and when I don't?" I realized that I at no point have control over the future. Even if I think I know where I am suppose to go, who's to say that's where I should go. Perhaps I just want the idea that I have some place worthwhile to go to - but what's the point of having that idea if I never get there. And even if I had a beautiful plan for how my life would go, is there really any more security in having that plan than if I have no plan at all?

I eventually moved to accept that my plans and thoughts about my future are just an illusion. I build for myself this pretty scenic route and create my map complete with step by step directions, but I don't even really know what I'm basing that map on. It makes me think of explorers of the New World who came and tried to chart out their way to China and the Far East but going West across the ocean. Columbus had his "map" but he really didn't know anymore than the sailors who were quaking in their boots about falling off the edge of the world. Or think back to those cartoons with Mickey Mouse and old school Goofy. I think there were some shows that had the characters traveling in a car and the background was really just a roll of scenery that made it appear as if life was going great as the traveled along. You can create you ideal view to your hearts content, but it isn't going to do anything to help you in the long run.

So why do we even like this false sense of knowledge and power... I think it is the same reason why Eve ate the apple.
Genesis 3:4-6
 ⁴ "You will not surely die," the serpent said to the woman. ⁵ "For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil."
 ⁶ When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it.

 We love to know what's going on. We want to have wisdom and understanding. We want knowledge. Even if we don't know what we want to know, if there is a mystery out there, we want to find out what it is. How many of you found out that there was going to be a surprise from someone or that they had a secret and then proceeded to worry, or figure it out, or try to wheedle the truth out of that someone.

But I don't think that "knowing" is always in our best interest. It certainly did not work out for the benefit of Adam and Eve with their fig leaves. It doesn't really encourage us when what we thought we "knew" turned out to be wrong. And how much can we really know about the future anyway. We don't have to power to see past the moment that just happened. Our days are numbered but we aren't privy to that information. There are dreams and plans for us, but they are not our own and we can't put them into motion.

So now what I'm wondering about, is how do I learn to let go of this thing inside me that I thought was a need at one point. How do I let go of wanting to know? How to I accept that knowing is not always better, because if I don't know anyway then I must not need to know. If me not knowing doesn't make the world stop spinning. Then should I be putting my time, energy, and effort in to knowing my future? Aren't there better ways to invest myself? (Besides, I'm pretty sure that Jesus didn't tell us: if we "didn't figure out our future or always know what was going to happen" we would be lost forever.)

In someways, I think it is just about learning to desire no illusions and no lies, learning to get rid of all illusions about God, myself and life. Perhaps the only way to desire this more is to learn more about the truth.