You Said

Do you remember that song that goes, "You said, 'Ask and I'll give the Nations to you.' Oh, Lord! That's the cry of my heart." It's in my play list, I'll move it up to the top for you later... Anyway, I was just thinking about that song as I went to sleep last night. And as I sang the verses in my head, I thought, "I don't want to just pick on Nation. I can't choose and say I want this one over that one. I want them all! Can I do that?"
Now I heard it said in general and also specifically to me that I can choose a nation and God will give it to me. I was looking through my journal the other day from a few years ago and I found a prophecy spoken over me at the River by some family from somewhere else that were visiting. One of the sons spoke this over me, "You will be called to be a missionary to go out and the LORD will give you a nation. If you ask for a nation and go, he will give you one. And you must be patient, even if it was not what you had planned."
But I don't just want a nation. I feel like I want a continent or several. I want to go. I want to meet people and see God's creation and see our Family grow. I don't know how I'm suppose to make our family grow - as in what my name will be, but I want to be a part of it.
...But... to just choose one nation seems so small. I feel like if I just choose one, where does that leave the others. And I haven't felt called to any specific country. I know that there is an interest in my heart in Africa, but I also think of Europe, and Middle East. And I know that N. America, S. America and Asia are all worthwhile too.
So many other questions fill my mind too. Like in what capacity will I go? A teacher? A missionary? A business partner or some Jesus centered ministry? Short term trips every now and then? A year or two spent over there? Live over there? Will my husband go with me? Will our kids when we have them/if we have them by that time? Do I go before we have kids? Do I go after we have kids? Do I go after the kids are out of the house? AHHHHH!!! So much I don't know!
Every time I hear that song in church, I am stirred up and I feel a desire to go. Lately I have felt that burning passion wane a bit because I feel like I can't go because of my life situation. And it makes me sad and frustrated.
As I am writing I am also listening to the sermon from a church we went to online. And the pastor just asked, "What is God's potential for you?" He's focusing on Philippians 7:1-11. And I feel frustrated because I don't know what his potential is for me. Yes I know that there are daily things, but I would love to have a long term potential or goal to strive for. Something more definite than Love God and Love People. I think the how is understandable - loving people, sharing the good news and doing all those things that please God. But Where do I do this? And in what way do I do this (as a teacher, missionary, secretary, tutor, etc.)?
I have a friend who has a job that I somewhat envy - in a good way - in the sense that I wish I had a job like his where I could reach people and use all my gifts so well. Right now I feel like all the options I have are somewhat wasting some piece of me some part of what I am capable of. And I want to use all I have. But this friend's job... He uses his administrative talents, he travels, he meets people, he helps people grow in faith and gives of his talents and time to help them live better lives and live Godly lives - ALL OVER THE WORLD too! How do you get a job like that! Yes, yes, I know - God opens the door, but it's so hard to wait for the door because I don't want to miss it. Some days, I wish I could call up this friend and see if he had any openings in the company he works for/with, but I logistically I don't know how it would work with where I am in my life and such. So I don't do it - I feel help back.
And I am left waiting. Perhaps I just need to be more patient and wait on the Lord more. Perhaps there is more in me that needs to be worked on - I don't know. But, for now, I guess I have little to do other than wait.